19 Reasons The Internet Can't Replace Your Friends
I know, it's pretty, and hard to look away from. Mind the time you spend gazing into its infinity, because you can't substitue reality with the Internet. The Internet is not your friend, it is where content is endlessly created. We all need to cut ourselves off at some point and interact in person with something that has a pulse. Most of what your friends can do, the Internet can't do better. Here are a few examples why:
1. When you eat something obscene like a Greek salad, or garlic aioli, the Internet can't tell you, "I say this with love, but your breath is going to put all eyebrow waxers out of business unless you find gum immediately."
2. It can't awkwardly bump its hand into yours and test whether you're ready for that step.
3. When you tell it you haven't seen Gone With The Wind, it doesn't rush over to your house with its own copy and a bottle of wine.
4. It won't stop you from saying something like, "My hobbies include cat blogging and whittling wands out drift wood," on your dating profile. A good friend tells you to hide your crazy at first.
5. It'll never laugh at your jokes.
6. You can't correct its grammar. No matter how hard you try, it will never happen.
7. It doesn't necessarily correct yours either.
8. Friends don't interrupt what you're doing with important information about diet pills or Viagra (good friends, that is).
9. Friends can gauge when you've heard enough about something (e.g. Kim Kardashian's waste line, or people taking pictures of their nails).
10. When the Internet keeps you from sleeping you look like this:
And when friends keep you from sleeping it's like,
11. You can't get brunch with the Internet.
11.b. Which means you can't get bloody marys with the Internet.
11.c. or mimosas. Honestly, the list could stop here (but it won't).
12. It can give you a recipe but it can't remind you to turn the stove off.
13. It can show you a great arrangement for a fruit basket, but it can't remind you that strawberries make Cheryll's face swell like a moon-bounce.
14. It will never guilt you into ending a shopping spree. A friend pumps the breaks, the Internet covers your eyes and floors it.
15. It won't buy something too to make you feel better.
16. While we're on guilt relief, you can't drag it by the ankle to get fro-yo with you so you don't look like miserable loner whose biggest thrill is using oreos as a topping. Seriously, have you ever gotten frozen yogurt by yourself? No. You haven't. It's mortifying and you need someone you love to chaperone.
17. The Internet will not suggest that the guy who claims he's 21, but has never heard of the Harlem Shake, is probably not 21.
18. The Internet will never tell you to get off the Internet. Even if it tried, you wouldn't listen.
19. Watch Marley & Me. If you need a hug (you will), you're not going to hug the Internet.