Why Spiderman Should Really Just Be A Dancer

Okay, let's face it. Despite the blockbusters, Spiderman was never really THAT good of a hero.

In an emergency, he certainly thought he was rushing to a victim's aid, when really...

Define, "quick."

And when he got there, he didn't exactly nail the whole "rescue" thing.

I'm sure that was intentional.

It took a while for his general intuition to speed up as well.

So much for all that jalopy about super-spidey-senses.

You'd think coffee was all he needed, but it just made him all...

He is only 15, I guess.

And what's the deal with him and the police? They're supposed to be on the same side yet, things like this happened: 

 I'm sure they would have listened to his side of the story. They're COPS.

 I mean, I would try to not literally bowl over the only other people who can get you out of a situation like this:

Stop lolling, Spiderman. You know you're in trouble when your heroic endeavors start resembling Jasmine's life.

And between the two of you, I don't think Aladdin's breaking you out first...

Okay, okay. He did some stuff right. Like when he uncovered this villain's devious disguise.

Good, um, job. Veerry good.

There was also that time he repurposed an antique bowl.

So, he's not hopeless.

But let's face it. We can't sit here and deny that in his heart of hearts, Peter Parker sewed together that fabulous spandex suit dreaming of this:

Just look at that rhythm. He literally dances to the beat of every song in this one.


Even when he's fighting crime, he can't help but give in to the fever.

Did you know he's an MJ fan?

Of course, he is.

And then there's this.

He assumed his powers were meant to protect the weak, when really, they were meant for so much more. Meet you at the club, Spidey. I call next dance. 


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