Embracing Imperfection Beneath The Wig
I wear a wig. There, I said it. I’ve been wanting to say it for a couple of years now, but I was afraid. I still am, but it is what it is. I speak often about fear and how it does nothing but hold you back, and the truth is, this is the last thing that I’ve been holding onto and I’m ready to release fear’s hold on me. My fear isn’t doing anything except making it worse. I’m pretty sure people know I wear one and I’m pretty sure there are those that don’t. Well, of course until now. I used to say it really wasn’t anyone’s business and that’s why I didn’t think it was necessary to have to let everybody know. But the truth is, I wasn’t able to accept it myself and so the thought of anyone else accepting it was not even in the realm of possibility. However, it’s holding me back. It’s holding me back from walking in my authenticity. It’s holding me back from walking in the truth of who I know I am. I am allowing something so ultimately non-important to cast a shadow on something more important - my beauty within.
I know that my hair doesn’t make me the woman I am. I know that I am so much more than that. It’s just been very hard for me to face because I grew up with long, flowing, curly hair. My hair was always something that got noticed, that I was proud of, and probably the exact reason why I started losing it. We all have lessons to learn in this lifetime of what is truly important, and perhaps mine was to get me past the physical. The doctors aren’t sure why my hair is thinning. They have their suspicions, but nobody has ever been able to put a finger on it. It’s “stress,” it’s “genetics,” it’s from my “stomach surgery,” it’s “alopecia,” it’s…I don’t know what it is, but I do know that it just IS. On a side note, I never noticed how much people like to touch faces and hair until I became conscious of how much I don’t want them to touch mine. I think when it’s your own, you never worry about stuff like that, but every time someone’s hand comes close to me, I flinch. It’s the worst feeling ever! Just yesterday at work, someone leaned in innocently to get a piece of lint out of my hair and I think I jumped back 15 feet. I made some silly remark that I thought I was going to get hit or something which is ridiculous in and of itself. Everybody laughed. I just shrunk a little inside. That is not who I am and how I truly feel about myself. My soul knows this and it is now time for my head to catch up.
In all honesty, part of my fear has to do with dating. My ex loved me just as I was. He never made me feel uncomfortable. If anything, he embraced my hair and always just wanted me to love it and accept it more. I kept telling myself it was because he was my best friend first and already knew about it before we got into a relationship. Now that we are no longer together, I can’t imagine another man being okay with it. That fear of meeting someone else that will accept it terrifies me. But that is EXACTLY why I am writing this. I refuse to let my fear win! I refuse to be led by fear any longer and walk around wondering if I will be loved again. Of course I will. My ex recently reminded me of that. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am human and I am a work in progress. I am constantly evolving and learning, but holding onto this secret for fear of what others think is truly not who I want to be and truly not who I know I am. I worked many years on being able to fulfill my own needs and not needing anyone else to make me feel a certain way about myself and now it’s time to not worry what a potential romantic partner might think of me. You either love me or you don’t. All of me. Even the parts that are “lacking.”
On the upside, the amazing things about wigs are that if I wanted to change colors, styles, or anything to go along with my mood, I can! Since I’ve been “closeted” about it, I’ve been careful about the styles I get. I can’t have bangs one month and then my hair is suddenly one length and all grown out the next. But hell, bring on red tomorrow and blonde next week! So if you see me out and about, or maybe a new photo online with a new look, just know that I’m working on my wig collection and Dolly Parton better watch out!
So, is there something in your life that is holding you back? Is there something that is tugging on your soul and if you faced it yourself by admitting it, you’d feel so much better? Well, if you can and want to, please feel free to post it above in the comments section. It is scary and AMAZING to just stand here, flaws and all exposed, and be who I know I truly am. A child of God who was created imperfectly perfect.
**I would like to thank my ex-boyfriend, John, who showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, and unknowingly gave me the strength to write this today. I feel blessed that I was loved the way he loved me. The gift I take from our relationship is that I now know that I can be loved for me and all my beautiful imperfections. Thank you!
All my Love,
Check out Shari's video: Shari-ng With Shari: Her Big Reveal, and watch her forgo the wig!